I remember exactly where I was, sitting in the car with the rain pouring down, when I found out about my ex-husband’s affair.
The moment in our car felt as if everything was in slow motion, how he looked at his hands, the way he looked at the steering wheel, then over at me and it was written all over him. His admission showed just how far apart we’d come, just how much distance had grown between us.
At the time, it felt like the ultimate betrayal. But now, after all these years and thousands of client sessions later, I see it differently. The affair was a symptom of all that hadn’t been working in our marriage for quite a long time. It was the final breaking point of everything unspoken between us, the quiet resentments, the built-up distance, the small promises never followed through, and the emotional doors we had both silently closed over our years together.
Some couples make it to the other side of infidelity with more honesty and deeper connection than they ever had before. I’ve seen it many times. But that wasn’t my experience. Our relationship couldn’t hold the weight of the affair.
Well before we split, I remember sitting in a therapist’s office and saying,”Why does it always feel like I’m the one doing the work to heal this?”
She didn’t hesitate,
“Because you’re the one with a desire for something different.”
It was one of those rare moments, where just like that, everything shifted. We often think relationships require two people to change. In both my personal life and my 20 years as a therapist, I’ve learned that it only takes one person with clarity and courage to change the relationship.
Whether your relationship is in crisis or simply caught in that numbing loop of not bad but not great, the patterns you’re living are not random. They’re repeats. Old relational strategies, inherited stories, and family dynamics passed down without a word. Conflict Isn’t the Problem, It’s the Compass
What if the most frustrating parts of your relationship aren’t signs you picked the wrong partner, but signs pointing to the parts of yourself that are still seeking healing?
Often the way we express our needs today comes straight from an old emotional wound, something unresolved from childhood, or a painful chapter with someone who couldn’t love us the way we needed.
When those hurts remain hidden, they show up again and again. Different face but a painfully similar story.
Over 70% of couples’ recurring fights come from emotional responses that were modeled, absorbed, or unconsciously repeated from our early experiences. These show up in adult relationships as:
~ Maybe your dad avoided conflict, so now you go quiet during arguments instead of speaking up.
~ Or your mom was a people pleaser, so now you feel guilty resting or having boundaries.
~ Walking on eggshells around your partner’s moods or over-manage situations to prevent an outburst, because one of your caregivers was unpredictable or explosive.
~ Shutting down the moment you feel misunderstood instead of clarifying or staying engaged, you go cold or quiet because in your early environment, speaking up didn’t lead to being heard, just more pain.
Until we can see the root, we’re stuck pruning the leaves. Here’s the truth I wish more people understood …
You don’t need both people on board to start changing the dynamic. Because the moment you stop playing your part in the old pattern, everything shifts. That doesn’t mean forcing change. It means understanding yourself at a deeper level, so you can respond in the present moment, not from old wounds.
When you stop seeing conflict as the thing to avoid and start seeing it as an invitation to connect more honestly, a whole new way of relating opens up.
What I Needed When Everything Was Falling Apart
Back when I was grieving what had broken in my marriage, I didn’t have access to this approach. I didn’t know how much of our disconnection was shaped by unspoken histories, his along with mine. I didn’t understand that I was recreating a version of love that felt familiar, even though it was painful.
That’s why I do this work now. To help people stop repeating the past and start building the relationship they actually want, with their partner or with themselves, if the partnership can’t hold. So if you’ve ever thought,
“I deserve better”, I invite you to pause and consider that your partner is a perfect match for your unconscious patterns and that unless those are healed, they’ll follow you into the next relationship too.
The truth is, your patterns will follow you, until you turn around and face them. But once you do, everything can change. Because healing doesn’t start with your partner. It starts with you.
Ready to uncover what’s really driving the disconnect in your relationship?
Rekindle is where Relationships Return to the Root. For those who are hanging on, letting go, or standing at the edge, this is where repair gets real. Please find more information here:
